Simply Cinderella
Happy New Year everybody. We’re all back from our respective Christmas’s and YourFace shall resume normal service.
So, we’ll start with my first new thing of the year. Simply Cinderella.
This the Curve in Leicester’s first major production since its opening in November and has gone to extraordinary lengths to make sure that people know that this is a musical. Not a panto. A musical. Based (very loosely) on the fairytale, but most definitely not a panto.
Shame really, as a bit of panto campness would have done this dire production the world of good. The plot? Think the classic Cinderella tale but Cinders works in a shoe factory, has friends who are fashion refugees from Mad Max, time travels, has a baffling racial heritage and flies. So not so much the classic tale after all. For the more confused amongst you (believe me, its no clearer if you actually go and see it) here’s an easier to follow run through:
- Cinders makes shoes, doesn’t enjoy making work boots and starts secretly making shoes that make you happy and dance. Or something.
- Her dead mother who lives in a poster in Cinders’ room comes back to haunt her and tell her something stirring about being yourself.
- Cinders goes to the shoe factory and goes back in time to New Years Eve 1939 where she meets Jack ‘The Prince of Rhythm’. They fall in love, the fact that war would have already broken out is glossed over.
- She returns back to 2009 where I cringed solidly for around 10 minutes as two of the cast did ‘comedy’ Jamican and Zimbabwean accents for no apparent reason and much to the horror of the very PC couple sitting next to us.
- The Ugly Sisters, Coral and Pearl debut their new pop song ‘Lucky You’ which involves a sketch about dove vomit. Surprisingly, the ugly sisters are the highlight of the entire thing as they prove to be adept actresses and vocal performers unafraid to make themselves look utterly ridiculous.
- There’s a strange part about a German doctor who should be on some sort of government register who puts metal boots on Cinders and appears to torture her. As Evil is in the feet apparently. He also has a limp a la Herr Flick from Allo’ Allo’. German people everywhere are offended.
- Back in time we go again, except Coral and Pearl come too. By this time they have acknowledged that there was a war going on. Cinders and Jack smooch. He smarms his way through a romantic musical number.
- Cinders takes Jack back to 2009 where apparently bakers wander the streets at dawn giving out free cobs, milk is now called ‘Smilk’ as it has smiles in it (bare with me, its almost over) and a pocketwatch twirling policeman captures a ‘SWAG’ laden burglar.
- Cinders magic shoes (oh sorry, I forgot to mention those. She made them. They sparkle. Think Primark glass slippers) get blended which apparently makes Jack start to die. So they shove him back in the factory and hope he’ll be time travelled home.
- Coral and Pearl try to follow but “there isn’t enough magic left in the shoes” and they end up being turned into posters(?)
- Back to the shoe factory, Cinders makes dancing shoes, the manager loves them and decides not to close down his factory. In fact, he’s going to inexplicably give it to Cinderella. Then there’s a dance while some wires are attached to her dress.
- Cinderella flies.
Had they gone down the panto route and this plot was done with tongue lodged firmly in cheek, this would have been an alright production. That they chose to market this as a serious musical makes it all the more laughable. None of the above- save for the Ugly Sisters’ sections- were done with any hint of irony which made for frankly embarrassing viewing. Children all around us looked very disappointed and the small boy sat in front of us was asleep, so who it was supposed to be aimed for, I’m not entirely sure. The funny parts weren’t funny, they were juvenile, and had I paid full ticket price rather than the £1 tickets we purchased, I would have been extremely annoyed.
The cast was largely awful, most of them looked very bored to be there, and Savannah Stevenson as Cinderella was far too saccharine to be likeable. It is fairly unforgivable of a cast during the final dance number to stop to adjust their hair or costumes before vamping away whilst trying desperately to remember what they’re supposed to be doing.
Its a shame that Simply Cinderella was so dreadful. The Curve doesn’t seem to be going quite as well as they’d planned, but I’d love to see it do well. Hopefully some new productions, suitably vetted beforehand, will come in the new year.
