Jumper : Live Blog
Mr Morgan experimented with a live blog for the opening night of Big Brother and it was rather fun to read so I thought why don’t I give it a go. So sitting down to watch Jumper I thought this is the time, I am going to either love this in the way that I love the Fantastic Four films or this is going to be abusive to every part of my body. Follow me on a journey through the land of teleporting teenager and a white haired Samuel L. Jackson.
The film starts with a self righteous speech. Instantly hate it.
‘I was a normal person just like you’, the sad thing is I can believe that Hayden Christensen thinks that he is now above all people, when no, you are just the poor mans Keanu Reaves and that’s not exactly a good thing.
Flash back to child hood, Yawn, rejection from girl, Spiderman much and oooo fat man is a bully, shock horror I wonder if this will lead to him discovering his super power. A thrown snow globe later and some falling in some not so frozen iceand shock horror, yes he has.
Ooooo he has an abusive father in a house that is lit only with blue. Its only 5minutes in and not caring doesn’t even come close to the way I am feeling.
The first crime involves little teleporting David asking to use a toilet in a bank which is conveniently placed right next to an open vault, hoorah for lazy story telling.
At 13 minutes teenage boy turns into hottie Christensen whilst the credits continue to roll.
The red pillar box next to the fridge is rather cool *starts to wonder how difficult it would be to lift the one at the end of the road* apparently only god shall have the power to teleport. Deep, very deep.
Oh he writes notes when he robes from the poor and gives to himself, I think that is meant to make us believe he has a heart. White haired Samuel L. Jackson is being all threatening with a glorified cattle prod. It should be tense, but its not.
YAY Racheal Bilson, please god just make her play Summer from the O.C. and give this film a sense of humour and some character… oh after 15 minutes of screen time it becomes more apparent that god actually hates me.
Billy Elliott arrives and his accent is worse than Dick Van Dyke’s. Teleporting fight is almost exciting, almost.
Dads dead, sad music and some over acting. That’s cliché number 345 checked off the list.
A bit more globe trotting, this is the slowest game of cat and mouse I have had to watch.
After comparing themselves to super heroes they have just stolen a car. I wonder if they know the word hypocrite. I think this is my whole problem with this story, that we are meant to be caring and thinking aren’t these the coolest dudes in the world ever and my gosh I wish I could teleport. But they are coming across as arrogant spoilt assholes who should actually be stopped because they constantly break the law, have no personality and dont actually seem to be having that much fun with their kick ass powers. And there are ways of telling this type of story and make you care about the bad people Pulp Fiction is the first one to come to mind but this is sorely lacking. Oh and Billy Elliot looks like a rat with his patchy facial fuzz. But for the sake of…I don’t even know what now I will continue watching.
Oh the inevitable fight between the two ‘heroes’
Oooooo teleporting an apartment into a river and then into a library was rather niffty. Although Darth Vader constantly insists hes different as he causes destruction willy nilly and teleports large things into small places which really must have killed one or two people. And he walks of leaving Mr Jackson in a cave in some sort of mountain range no where near civilization so he can die a long slow and painful death from dehydration, Jumper David does feel like someone I would like walking the streets
Estranged Mother ‘I have never stopped thinking about you, not even for one day’ cliche number ….. I have lost count now. She claims she loves him and that’s why she walked out on the family and started another one in a snow filled place. If she truly loved him wouldnt she have stopped being a Palladin (Jumper killers) and tried to find a way to make every one get along. Just a thought.
And then it is done, thank you if you have managed to follow my ramble. In conclusion this wasn’t entirely offensive but I would be annoyed if I had paid full cinema price to see this over long TV pilot. If you have seen Jumper let me know what you think. If you have managed to get a copy of the book and had a read I would love to know how the film compares.
